The Zinger and other stories
by airbolt
Summary: It's CSI but not as we know it. A parody where anything can happen. For instance , what happens when Grissom can't find his zinger?
1. The Zinger

**The Zinger**

Conrad Ecklie was furious. The entire Grave Shift was still waiting around the Table .

" **What's Going on here**! " he shouted " **We've got a Hanging in Henderson, a slaying in Seven Hills and an impaling on Industrial! What's happening- why is everyone still here? "**

He looked round the room . There was little sign of movement. He spotted the A/V technician, Archie.

" **What are you doing here, Archie**? " said Ecklie

" **Strictly speaking , reaching out to the Asian demographic and a fair few Trekkies I imagine**! " Archie replied

" **Yee-hah , You tell 'em , Pardner** " Nick laughed.

" **Can it , Shampoo Boy** " said Ecklie , hurtfully.

" **Catherine** ? " appealed Ecklie

" **I'm here as the yummy mummy and as a focus for career women**" she replied

" **Ahh , where's Grissom?** " Ecklie was losing the plot

" **Ah'll get him** " said Warrick

" **Nah , That would take too long the way you walk** " opined Ecklie .

Just then the phone rang. Ecklie answered

" **This is Jim Brass and I'm freezing my Butt off on location . This is costing an arm and a leg – literally! Where's Bil- I mean where's Grissom** "

Grissom walked in .

" **Thank Heavens** " said Ecklie " **I thought we would have to set up a Manhunt!** "

" **Have you got it then?** " said Catherine

Ecklie looked puzzled . Grissom put him out of his misery

" **According to LVPD Rule 178 no case can commence until the Shift Supervisor has gotten off a zingy one liner** ! " replied Grissom " **Usually they come to me as if in a Dream. This week I just got Blocked"**

Ecklie looked fit to Bust. Grissom fixed an insouciant smile and said

" **For a Tall man , he was short on luck** "

Nada. No music

" **The fat man sung out of tune**"

Zippo.

" **Hey Guys**, **Look at the amount of Bullet Holes in this one!** "

Success!

" _Ah one , two , three , four_

Whoooo are you………" 


	2. Revenge of the Zinger

Grissom adjusted his bluetooth earpiece. He was connected to the speakerphone at the Lab. The Team listened anxiously as he went through the checklist with Catherine.

"Forensic kit? "

"Check"

"9mm automatic? "

"Check"

"Zinger?"

"Check"

"Backup zinger?"

"Check"

After last weeks fiasco , Ecklie was taking no chances. Grissom had to have a zinger to deliver so that all the team could start their cases.

" The teams waiting, Gris!" said Catherine

Grissom was chewing a moldy ding-dong. He started to choke.

" HWACK, ACKK, THPTHH, GARGLE"

" Quit playin around , Gris! " said Catherine. "Ecklie will have your pension! "

A quick thinking bystander gave Grissom the Heimlich manoeuvre.

" URGHH , CHOKE, GASP , WHAOO "

" Aw , c'mon, pardner, we all gots ta mosey on out to our cases , ya hear? " said Nick.

Grissom staggered forward and stepped onto a skateboard which just happened to be there.

" OOH, ARGHH, NOOOO, UHHHH "

" Man , that's just weak sauce , man " moaned Greg and applied some hair products.

The skateboard with Grissom precariously onboard stormed down a flight of steps.

" RUGGADUGGADUGGADUGGARUGGA"

" Aw, shoot, someone go wake me up when Gris comes up with a winner " yawned Warrick and dozed off.

The skateboard nosed into the sidewalk and propelled Grissom skywards.

" WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ! "

" Oh Griss, I thought that was our private word! " said Sara , who then realised she had let the cat out of the bag.

Grissom landed in a Trash Bin.

" MMMFFFRRRFFFKKKKKNNNNN "

Just then the other line rang. It was Jim Brass.

" We've had reports of a man wandering around in a daze at the corner of Alliance and Atlantis. White male , in his fifties with a beard, soft yet understanding eyes which command respect in men and illicit thoughts in women"

" No one we know ! " said the team.


	3. Nick's other job

" There's something wrong here , Catherine ! " shouted Nick

" What is it ? " Catherine replied

" It's ..your hair. You know sometimes it's difficult to keep bright , vibrant color and maintain a healthy sheen " said Nick

" Are you nuts, Nick? " said Catherine

" No , Catherine . I just think that L'Oreal 's fantastic range of hair products would suit your color and length " Nick continued

" Have you been at Grissom's model airplane cement? " worried Catherine

" Aw, C'mon , thy said they would buy me a new SUV if I subtly mentioned the product" whispered Nick , then a thought crossed his mind " Ah was in the locker room and Warrick mentioned that he loved older women who only used quality hair products."

" Really ? Maybe I should try L'Oreal's range of hair products!" mused Catherine

" You're Worth it " said Nick.


	4. Nick and Sara feel lazy

_Hey kids, ever wonder what those funny adults get up to in CSI? What do you mean , they don't let you watch it? That sucks! Let's use the power of imagination then……_

Hodges sat in the break room alone. Although he was very clever no one seemed to like him. He tried very hard but somehow always said the wrong thing.

Nick walked past the break room having just had a long, relaxing shower. The water had bounced off his taut muscles..er ...anyway Nick was very popular. Nick had heard some ladies whispering about him one day. He got a bit confused because he never cooked and they were saying that he had lovely buns!

Nick was so full of energy he cartwheeled along the corridor then did a reverse triple lutz outside the break room. Just then he saw Sara.

" Hello Sara " Nick said. Nick liked Sara ( but not in that way! ) . Sara liked Nick ( but she liked Grissom a whole lot more. We'll cover that one when your're a bit older, a-hem )

" Hello Nick " said Sara " I'm sure you're wondering why I'm wearing this funny outfit! "

" Yes Sara" said Nick " although pink is a very nice color on you. I'm not sure about the wig though! "

" Hodges looks unhappy. Maybe we should cheer him up" said Sara

" Yes. Maybe we could all try just a little harder to make friends . After all , it's real nice to have friends" said Nick

Nick and Sara walked into the break room.

" Hello Hodges " they said

" Hello Nick and Sara " said Hodges

" We were wrong to push you away because of your inappropriate comments ,odd behaviour and boorish manner" said Sara " Er..i mean Yay, hooray we would LOVE to be your friend! "

" Really? " said Hodges " That would be just terrific"

" You know , lets all have a nice dance! " said Nick

Sara started to sing

" Bing,Bang , Bingabingabong

Silly words I sing when I am dancing…"

Then Nick started to dance behind her and grinned. A lot. He then attempted a Van Halen style split leap. It was three days later when his eyes finally stopped watering.

" Sara, do you know you're standing on my foot ? " said Hodges

" You hum it and I'll sing it " laughed Sara. Oh what fun!

" Say , you guys . I want to join in! " said Warrick " I brought some sports candy! "

Just then Conrad Ecklie walked in wearing a prosthetic chin and put paid to all their fun.

Hodges woke up . It had all been a cheez-wiz induced dream. He decided to keep this one secret from his his next Psych-Eval and went back to work.

_Remember kids – today's moral is –_

_value your friends_

_wash regularly_

_avoid cheez-wiz blowouts _


	5. It's all Greek to me

For fans of the DVD 

" You know , sometimes I just don't feel in control of my life. It's all forward,back,forward,pause…you know?" Nick philosophised on the way to the next crimescene.

Sara listened. Nick was rarely philosophical. Grissom merely observed " We're Here!"

Here was the MultiLingua Institute, a fairly nondescript industrial building on Highway 16. There had been a break-in and a lot of damage.

Grissom noticed a faint odor and asked if anyone else noticed it.

" Not rilly " twanged Nick " Although this one time at Texas A&M some of the guys/ **alles gemacht** **unter den linden wehrmacht**/ with a melon "

" That's nothing " said Sara " once in band camp/ **viens ici plaisirs montpelier chirac sur le pont** **d'avignon**/ couldn't play the play the piano for a week"

" **Hola, paella e sangria, muchos copacabana **/ front row of the Dallas Cowboys " added Grissom

At this point Jim Brass rushed in "You gotta get outta here. I've just had CDC on the line"

The team rushed outside.

" It's O.K , CDC said anything in there was non-toxic. Turns out MultiLingua were experimenting with a new way of teaching languages through inhaling a brain-boosting gas " explained Jim Brass " although if you ask me it's all a load of/ **fujimaki kawasaki tomy hajime mashite "**


	6. Worth it

An abandoned warehouse on Industrial. Inside a man with a swaggering manner paces. His henchmen leer at the man tied to a chair. They look a bit foreign and probably had troubled upbringings.

" Theres one thing I need to know, Mister Knight " the villain has his face close to his captive's.

" Oh Yeah " said Michael Knight " I won't talk! "

" Just as long as you don't sing." advises the Villain " Popular in Europe just doesn't cut it round here "

" Ask your question , you …you…Las Vegas lowlife "

" Who does your hair ? I can't get my perm anything like that! " the villain sobs.

" Most of us are either Bald or have limp , lifeless greasy hair " chime in the Henchman.

Suddenly there is a splinter as a Tahoe breaks through and stops in a haze of tire smoke.

" He's broken the fourth wall!" shout the henchmen

A handsome figure gets out of the Tahoe . He is tall , rugged , lantern jawed and extremely manly.

" Have any of you ever considered L'Oreal Hair Products?"


	7. The Greeks have a word for it

Things were tense at the labs . The Graveyard shift looked at each other accusingly .

" Well no one look at me!" said Nick " Ah wasn't the one who /**ausfahrt mach schwarzkopf und weltmeistershaft"**

Warrick turned on him and yelled " No , You just **/ montevideo copacabana e macho robo !"**

Sara waded in" I saw you with / **arriverderci multibionta tuti frutti professori totti** / and fries "

Hodges smirked " You know , I found traces of **/ Dosvidanya rumski bumski svetlana** /all over / **Todorov Molotov Ripimov !!!"**

Brass was angry** " **You mean , you put the** / Hitachi Moshi Moshi Junko Hajimashite /** see the markings?"

Katherine shouted " Has anyone seen my / **Jaavin Rippiti laagerfeld oooopo ree?"**

Grissom walked in " Youse Guys , Just Chill – Dem bums at the Multilingua Institoot dey done made dat noo batch of dat gas dat makes youse talk in dem forn lang-wages . I tried da noo stuff dat makes yoo tawk in colorful accents"

Archie walked in behind him " I say , chaps , the guv'nors spot on and no mistake. "


	8. Musical Interlude

Greg watched as the credits to " Monty Python and the Holy Grail " rolled past. He was half asleep and full of cheez-wiz,ding-dongs, pepsi and oreos. He hummed the tunes to himself as he slipped into a sugar-crazed sleep. 

Greg headed for the break room where he heard hearty singing. " I hope this is a dream , Grissom will kill me for turning up for work in my tidy-whiteys".

Everyone was there . CSI's and Technicians . They were all singing a rousing tune. It went something like this…..

**ALL:** Oh we are the CSI 

We never ever lie

We work with DNA

and then go out to play

**GRIS** : My name is Gil, I have a beard

And many seem to think I'm weird

I like to play around with Bugs

While Jim Brass chases after thugs

**Bobby** : I play with Guns

**Nick** : I got tight buns

**ALL**:Oh we are the CSI : Oh we are the CSI 

To be continued


	9. George and the day job

**Paramount Studios, Los Angeles : Commercial Shoot for L'Oreal Shampoo : 10:17 a.m**

The Studio was set up for a commercial shoot. A handsome chisel-jawed man stood in front of a plain background, his brow furrowed. He wore Armani and wore it well. There was more than a hint of cruelty about his mouth. He was the subject of admiration from the ladies. The men on the crew regarded him with a mixture of disdain and envy. He played with his cufflinks, waiting for the lighting guy to finish setting up. He ran a hand through his magnificent hair and grinned. Nothing could spoil this.

There was a commotion from the side of the soundstage as a well-built man bulled his way past security. He was equally chiselled in the jaw department, with the look of an intelligent jock. He appeared to be in a furious temper and had balled his fists.

"What's the Idea, Cibrian! This is MY gig now! " he snarled.

"Take a walk, Eads" Cibrian turned menacingly " I may be doing a girly advert for hair products but I can still beat your ass!"

"Oh Yeah. I'll do more than mess up your hair!" growled George Eads, moving on the balls of his feet.

The tension was electric. A svelte woman made her way towards the two duelling men. She had a lithe, athletic figure encased in a cocktail dress. She sported a pleasing auburn shag cut .

"Guys, Guys" purred Jennifer Aniston " There's too much testosterone in here "

Eddie Cibrian looked at her with disdain. " Is that the science part?" he sneered.

" Can it, fireman!" said Aniston , cattily.

George Eads never missed an opportunity to impress the ladies. He quickly turned away from the conflict and gave his best 100 watt smile to Jennifer Aniston. He dropped his voice an octave and growled " Would you like to see my Mass spectrometer?" .

" Hey, I'm not into that!" protested Cibrian.

" I was talking to Aniston!" said Eads

Aniston looked at Eads and said " Not tonight, I'm washing my hair!" and stormed off.

**10:24 a.m**

All thoughts of amour thwarted George Eads tried to placate Eddie Cibrian . Eddie was wary and stroked his chin in a manly fashion.

" What's up Eads?" replied Cibrian

" Look, Cibrian" started Eads " Lets not blow this gig. It's easy money and there's plenty to go round. After all we just pose around for a while and pocket the cash. Piece of pie!"

"Hmm, y'know you might have something there, Eads" conceded Cibrian

"You know it,man" said Eads " I've got the market in the Jock look and you have that sweaty workman thing so lets not mess with demographics"

"Yeah, I get that. One morning I was late for work on Third Watch (tm ) and hadn't got time to shave. The ladies went wild" smiled Cibrian " It was heaven. Mind you I got a lot of texts from the lighting guy too"

"A-hem, all part of the job, man" coughed Eads

"Now we got that sorted out , lets relax because L'Oreal will never find another handsome guy with stubble and in need of cash!" said Cibrian

"Hi. I'm Matthew Fox" said Matthew Fox

Eads and Cibrian were furious and shouted in unison

"GET LOST!"

**11.07 a.m**

The three man sat in a huddle, discussing their respective shows. Matthew Fox held forth on "Lost"

No one knows whats going on, even the writers" admitted Fox. " They told me they just threw a dart at a map every week"

" I frickin knew it!" shouted Eads

" Yeah " said Cibrian " You just tool around with a psycho Baldie and some chick in Hawaii and you get paid for it!"

" Hey, I'm not proud" admitted Fox " I've got Bills, man. You have no idea. I used to look like that little guy from Benny Hill until I had the work done. Anyway the hick takes his top off for after-shave ads so why not do an ad for L'Oreal?"

" Easy money" said Eads " You just stick your chin out , say what lovely hair you can get with L'Oreal and take the money"

" Plus no Ruivivar with his incessant practical jokes " said Cibrian.

" Hey , isn't that the famous Eva Longoria over there?" said Fox " She's got it going on. Gotta go , fellas"

" I hate to tell him it's Ashton Kutcher in a wig" chortled Cibrian, high-fiving Eads


End file.
